For the first time in years there is no one I actively strongly like. It’s odd because I think sometimes people define me with chasing after love, I know sometimes I even do myself. I’m the type of person who hears music and thinks of that person, or who watches a movie or show and places the people in my life as characters. Lately, I don’t. It’s definitely not a bad thing, in fact I’m actually kind of excited about it, but it’s still weird. I feel like I can just focus on the things that really make me happy, and that by being a better, happier person I’ll attract just the right girl for me.
Charlie and I were talking about it the other day, and we both feel like that, although freshman and sophomore year of college we went a little wild and crazy, that we are actually still the same people we were when we came here. Obviously we have grown, and our new experiences have shaped us to the degree we’ve let them, but fundamentally we are the same. I drink now, and am more open to lots of things, but still hold my sense of adventure. I am more sexually comfortable and open, but still not looking to fuck girls left and right for one night. I’m still searching for love, but have a better idea of what is and what isn’t love.
I guess, part of me is scared that if I’m not actively chasing love than it might get away from me. That I might never find it (Or rather, that it will never find me). That I might stop caring about it because I don’t remember what it’s like. But, when I accept that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to find, or run away from, or create, or destroy love that I have no power over it: I feel O.K.
Plus, now I have a reminder:
I got this tattoo on Valentine’s day. I have been thinking about it for over a year, ever since my mom gave me a book of inspiring speeches and one of Edward VIII’s was in there. The story behind it is that he was the only British monarch to ever voluntarily abstain from the throne. He did this so that he could marry the woman he loved. She was a divorcee from Baltimore (Another reason I liked it, Baltimore pride) and since the country was very connected to the Church of England, which did not officially recognize this woman as available, as well as the fact that his prime minister threatened to leave if he married her he chose her over the throne. It’s a story that helps me remember what I fight for. It’s a story that will help me to never settle.
Any hopeful (or hopeless) romantic will tell you how hard it can feel to pursue something as crazy as love, how sometimes you feel like maybe you’re just an idiot chasing after nothing. It’s nice to know that someone before me succeeded, and that even when everyone considered him a fool for giving up a kingdom, he understood that power, money, and acclaim amounted to nothing without that person there to share it with you. They stayed married until his death, and the whole time he was still ridiculed for his decision. It’s recorded his mother said “You gave up that, for this?” years after he abstained and was long since married.