Change, love, growing up, and other cliches of the twenty-somethings.

For the first time in years there is no one I actively strongly like. It’s odd because  I think sometimes people define me with chasing after love, I know sometimes I even do myself. I’m the type of person who hears music and thinks of that person, or who watches a movie or show and places the people in my life as characters. Lately, I don’t. It’s definitely not a bad thing, in fact I’m actually kind of excited about it, but it’s still weird. I feel like I can just focus on the things that really make me happy, and that by being a better, happier person I’ll attract just the right girl for me.

Charlie and I were talking about it the other day, and we both feel like that, although freshman and sophomore year of college we went a little wild and crazy, that we are actually still the same people we were when we came here. Obviously we have grown, and our new experiences have shaped us to the degree we’ve let them, but fundamentally we are the same. I drink now, and am more open to lots of things, but still hold my sense of adventure. I am more sexually comfortable and open, but still not looking to fuck girls left and right for one night. I’m still searching for love, but have a better idea of what is and what isn’t love.

I guess, part of me is scared that if I’m not actively chasing love than it might get away from me. That I might never find it (Or rather, that it will never find me). That I might stop caring about it because I don’t remember what it’s like. But, when I accept that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to find, or run away from, or create, or destroy love that I have no power over it: I feel O.K.

Plus, now I have a reminder:

My new tattoo "Edward VIII"

I got this tattoo on Valentine’s day. I have been thinking about it for over a year, ever since my mom gave me a book of inspiring speeches and one of Edward VIII’s was in there. The story behind it is that he was the only British monarch to ever voluntarily abstain from the throne. He did this so that he could marry the woman he loved. She was a divorcee from Baltimore (Another reason I liked it, Baltimore pride) and since the country was very connected to the Church of England, which did not officially recognize this woman as available, as well as the fact that his prime minister threatened to leave if he married her he chose her over the throne. It’s a story that helps me remember what I fight for. It’s a story that will help me to never settle.

Any hopeful (or hopeless) romantic will tell you how hard it can feel to pursue something as crazy as love, how sometimes you feel like maybe you’re just an idiot chasing after nothing. It’s nice to know that someone before me succeeded, and that even when everyone considered him a fool for giving up a kingdom, he understood that power, money, and acclaim amounted to nothing without that person there to share it with you. They stayed married until his death, and the whole time he was still ridiculed for his decision. It’s recorded his mother said “You gave up that, for this?” years after he abstained and was long since married.

-Willie

Dear Everyone,

STOP! This is real life, and it’s really happening. I promise.

You can’t pretend like there is something else that is guaranteed to happen. There might not be a tomorrow, there might not be “someday” and there most certainly might not be something after this life. That being said, live today. What i’m saying is: don’t keep on convincing yourself “someday” you’ll learn that instrument. “Someday” you two will be together. Tomorrow you’ll start that book you’ve always wanted to write. Do it. There isn’t enough certainty in life not to. When you’re sitting there thinking “this is ok for now” or “I’m really just not ready for -blank-” you have to realize that you are not working towards another goal, you are accepting the fact that you may never get what you want and will only have yourself to blame.

I’m as guilty as anyone else. I am a huge procrastinator and miss out on a lot. Yet at the same time I can say when it really matters I won’t have to wonder. When I really know that I want or need something in my life I will go for it with every fiber of my being. If I died today I could tell you I have lived a life chasing after exactly what I truly want. I have lived my life with passion. My biggest goals in life are to find lasting love, and to really make a difference. I’m currently in college studying to be a teacher and sociologist so I truly believe i’m on my way to making a difference. As for love, I can’t say I regret much. I had a long fulfilling relationship with a beautiful girl that, although was hard and ended on poor terms, taught me a lot about who I am. About my problems and weaknesses, and about my strengths. But most importantly, made me happy. After that I messed up on another chance for love, but can say conclusively I don’t regret it. I wasn’t ready, and did some stupid things, but once I knew how I felt, and knew I could return all the feelings I was receiving, I went for it. It was hopeless, and I still tried. For six months. It was one of the most painful and hard times in my life. Yet, I’ll never have to wonder what if. I’ll never have to say “what if I didn’t give it my all?” or “what if i had tried -blank-?” And that feeling is one I wouldn’t trade for anything.

Regardless, what I want people to take from this is don’t settle. Or if you do decide to settle don’t fool yourself into thinking you have enough time to unsettle. Maybe it’s morbid to think that every day could be your last, or maybe it’s foolish to advise you to go out on a limb and truly reach for what you want. But maybe it’s the only sensible way to live. Settling won’t bring you the immense sorrow failure will, so you’ll protect yourself. Personally though, for all the failures my passion has brought me, I’ve experienced so much. Someday when i’m a father, or a teacher, or a sociologist, or all three, or none I’ll be able to look myself in the mirror and smile.

Do yourself a favor and start working towards one thing you’ve always been too afraid to do. If that means putting $20 bucks from the next paycheck in the bank to save up for your own place, so be it. If that means finally asking that girl out, or letting “the boy who got away” know you’re not ready to give up, do it.

“Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one’s mistakes” -Oscar Wilde

A friend and I got tattoos together a while back. "We'll always live as if we're dying." Just a reminder to always go after what you want.