Half jokes

Last night I found out the last of my original roommates may not be going here anymore next year.

I thought about it all night, along with other things. I slept forever and had really vivid and odd dreams that I can’t remember even a little bit. Then I woke up and talked to Charlie about why he was doing it. He essentially said there wasn’t much to hold on to here anymore.

I started thinking about what I had to hold on to here. I couldn’t think of anyone here that couldn’t do without me as much as I couldn’t do without them. I’m not saying I don’t have great friends here, it’s just everyone is really doing their own thing. A lot of my friends have gotten in to serious relationships lately, which is wonderful. I’m really happy for them, but it does tend to absorb a lot of your time and energy. A lot of other friends have graduated, or left (Bernie), or are leaving (Charlie). Other friends are great, but I just don’t see them enough (Anthea, Britt, Robot, etc.)

I thought about what originally brought me here. I came up with:
1. I didn’t know what major I wanted to pursue so I didn’t know what to look for
2. It was close to home
3. I was in love with a beautiful girl
4. My friends from home were all here.

How things are now:
1. I have picked majors I love after much dilemma and change
2. I don’t have a home anymore. I have a house in Philadelphia, and a wonderful loving family there, but no where that makes me feel like I have to stay near
3. That girl doesn’t talk to me much anymore
4. Jill and Catie left, and no matter where I go we will always stay close to each other

So I started looking. The first place that drew me in was Berkeley. It has the number two sociology program in the country, and the number three history program. Oh, and Sandy Cohen went there. Not to mention, it’s in California. However, it is beyond costly ($43,000 for on campus non California students) and requires a GPA between 3.75 and 3.9. It is way beyond my means. However, the number one sociology program in the country is at University of Wisconsin Madison. There the grade entry is more flexible, and they largely focus on extracurricular activities to make you stand out (which I have many of). Also it is only $33,000 a year for non residents on campus. As I looked more in to the school I liked it better and better. The three main things that are said to occur there are Academics, Political Activism, and Drinking. Essentially, my three favorite things in order, haha.

Still, it was essentially a pipe dream as far as I was concerned. Just something that seemed nice but unreasonable. Then I called my mom. I just wanted to talk to her about it, expecting her to try and convince me otherwise. She told me to go for it. She told me now was the only time that there was nothing to hold me down, and she didn’t want me to regret anything. She was just really great about it all.

Their priority deadline is February 1st. But tomorrow I’m going to call the office of admissions and talk to them about how realistic it would be for me to still be accepted if I send in all the necessary things by the end of the week. It’s only $40 to apply, and I’m going for it. If it won’t work at all this year, I think I’m going to visit over spring break to see how I like it, and apply for spring after doing one last semester at UMBC.

It’s funny how something can start as a half joke, and just grow.

-Willie

Change, love, growing up, and other cliches of the twenty-somethings.

For the first time in years there is no one I actively strongly like. It’s odd because  I think sometimes people define me with chasing after love, I know sometimes I even do myself. I’m the type of person who hears music and thinks of that person, or who watches a movie or show and places the people in my life as characters. Lately, I don’t. It’s definitely not a bad thing, in fact I’m actually kind of excited about it, but it’s still weird. I feel like I can just focus on the things that really make me happy, and that by being a better, happier person I’ll attract just the right girl for me.

Charlie and I were talking about it the other day, and we both feel like that, although freshman and sophomore year of college we went a little wild and crazy, that we are actually still the same people we were when we came here. Obviously we have grown, and our new experiences have shaped us to the degree we’ve let them, but fundamentally we are the same. I drink now, and am more open to lots of things, but still hold my sense of adventure. I am more sexually comfortable and open, but still not looking to fuck girls left and right for one night. I’m still searching for love, but have a better idea of what is and what isn’t love.

I guess, part of me is scared that if I’m not actively chasing love than it might get away from me. That I might never find it (Or rather, that it will never find me). That I might stop caring about it because I don’t remember what it’s like. But, when I accept that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to find, or run away from, or create, or destroy love that I have no power over it: I feel O.K.

Plus, now I have a reminder:

My new tattoo "Edward VIII"

I got this tattoo on Valentine’s day. I have been thinking about it for over a year, ever since my mom gave me a book of inspiring speeches and one of Edward VIII’s was in there. The story behind it is that he was the only British monarch to ever voluntarily abstain from the throne. He did this so that he could marry the woman he loved. She was a divorcee from Baltimore (Another reason I liked it, Baltimore pride) and since the country was very connected to the Church of England, which did not officially recognize this woman as available, as well as the fact that his prime minister threatened to leave if he married her he chose her over the throne. It’s a story that helps me remember what I fight for. It’s a story that will help me to never settle.

Any hopeful (or hopeless) romantic will tell you how hard it can feel to pursue something as crazy as love, how sometimes you feel like maybe you’re just an idiot chasing after nothing. It’s nice to know that someone before me succeeded, and that even when everyone considered him a fool for giving up a kingdom, he understood that power, money, and acclaim amounted to nothing without that person there to share it with you. They stayed married until his death, and the whole time he was still ridiculed for his decision. It’s recorded his mother said “You gave up that, for this?” years after he abstained and was long since married.

-Willie

My first ever DreamBlog Post.

Randomly found when I googled the word "dream", not my own work.

So this post won’t be like the others because frankly I just want to write down my dreams from last night. I hope this is the first of many such posts and will write them as long as I remember in the morning. Don’t feel obligated to read through this because like I said it’s just going to be my dreams (I’ll probably censor the sexual stuff and won’t always use people’s real names who appear in the dreams)