I’m so frustrated with my love life it’s not even funny.

Why can’t something good happen, and just be good? I went on a date wednesday night. It was wonderful, we talked for hours. We kissed 4 times. We talked about doing it again next week.

Today I called her. She met someone else in the last 3 days. Sorry, but it’s just going really well with this person. I guess they talked for longer, or kissed more, or something.

I’m ok when I can figure out, or see what went wrong. I’m not so ok when i can’t.

I’m seriously on the verge of giving up.

You know, I’ve been pretty O.K. being alone lately. I’m just accepting the fact that there isn’t someone immediately available to have a good relationship with. But yesterday my mom called and told me my Pop-pop (Grandfather) is now on oxygen. I mean, he used to only need an inhaler and now he literally has to have a tank of oxygen with him. I know it probably doesn’t sound like that big of a deal to anyone else, but he’s my favorite person in the world. I just love his outlook on life, and his kindness. I guess I just really wish I had someone who I cared about, and who cared about me in the same romantic way. Just an anchor, you know? I’ve never been too great at dealing with tradgedy (or what I consider tradgedy) on my own. Beyond that, it’s not like my family is right here if anything did happen. I can’t just go home to my mom and try and feel better that way. I would have to deal with school, and soldier on. I guess that’s all just growing up, learning to face it on your own and everything. I just think a nice girl to give me a kiss and tell me it’s all going to be ok would be wonderful about now. Last night R.C. said something that really rings true “You know, it’s just that waking up, and knowing Meryl is out there thinking about me…It just makes everything seem a little better, and easier in my day to day.” Meryl is his girlfriend, by the way.

-Willie

I feel like I’m finally dealing with life. Like I’m finally done running from it all. It may have taken going to another country, secluding myself at a summer camp with little to no cellphone and internet access, and a semester with more emotional breakdowns then I care to elaborate upon, but I’m finally facing everything.

It’s the little stuff that has really helped. I cleaned  my room, I know it sounds stupid, but it does wonders. I have things organized, I don’t throw shit everywhere, and I just take some pride in where I am. I started working out again, I feel like it’s already starting to boost my self-confidence. I’m saying no to fun stuff sometimes, I can’t do everything I want because college comes first. I’m taking care of myself physically and emotionally. I stopped drinking soda, I’ve been drinking loads of water, and I’m just listening to my body more. Emotionally I feel like I’m finally ready to assure myself that I’m a good person. It can be hard to take up for yourself when you’re faced with all the mistakes you’ve made, but I’m done letting it fester. Beyond that, I feel like I’m finally ready to face the bad along with the good. For the longest time if someone called my cell phone and I couldn’t talk, or had to cancel plans I would ignore it so I didn’t have to face it. I haven’t been doing that lately. I used to put off anything that seemed bad in hopes that it might go away (stupid stuff like mean e-mails, or parking tickets) and I really am just facing them head on lately.

I’m proud of who I’m becoming, and I feel like I really have control of who that is when I take the control.

-Willie

Life Lately

Has been extremely weird. I can’t stop thinking about the future, and sometimes I think it’s stopping me from enjoying my present. I’m constantly thinking about my academic future, my living situation this summer and next year, my romantic life, etc. etc.

I did have a really great weekend though, and this warm weather has done wonders for my mood.

I think right now, all I want is more great times with my friends, and a kiss that gives me butterflies. That would be enough.

-Willie

Sometimes poetry makes me feel better.

On the night I fell in love, you said you would never do it again. I knew that wasn’t possible, but I knew you would try.

On the day I found out, you said you would never do it again. I thought it would only be that once, but I guess that, too, was a lie.

Yesterday I missed you, though I said I never would again. You reminded me, with one conversation, exactly why.

This time, I didn’t even bother to say goodbye.

Tumblr.

Fuck, I’m thinking about getting one/am so getting one.

I hate being a follower, but they just make sense.

I’ll probably keep this one for my more ranty stuff.

-Willie

Tumblr url: http://piemakerwillie.tumblr.com

Hello, you’re a very special kitten.

This video has made me happier than just about anything else in a long time.

The song is from Science of Sleep which is just a fantastic movie. I think the only way today could get any better would be to have someone to curl up with and watch that movie.

-Willie

Kiss Her or Keep Her.

So first off I must express my new found deep love for Pushing Daisies. It is probably my favorite show ever. Not even exaggerating. It’s awkward, and beautiful, and romantic, and heartbreaking all at the same time. If you haven’t watched it, do. While it got canceled even after winning loads of awards and being recognized as great, they will be making a movie to sum up the end. (Arrested Development anyone?)

Ned and Chuck from Pushing Daisies

In other news, i’ve really taken some big steps with myself. Oh and I think Chuck (The female lead in Pushing Daisies) is my new celebrity love, sorry Rachel McAdams.

-Willie

Half jokes

Last night I found out the last of my original roommates may not be going here anymore next year.

I thought about it all night, along with other things. I slept forever and had really vivid and odd dreams that I can’t remember even a little bit. Then I woke up and talked to Charlie about why he was doing it. He essentially said there wasn’t much to hold on to here anymore.

I started thinking about what I had to hold on to here. I couldn’t think of anyone here that couldn’t do without me as much as I couldn’t do without them. I’m not saying I don’t have great friends here, it’s just everyone is really doing their own thing. A lot of my friends have gotten in to serious relationships lately, which is wonderful. I’m really happy for them, but it does tend to absorb a lot of your time and energy. A lot of other friends have graduated, or left (Bernie), or are leaving (Charlie). Other friends are great, but I just don’t see them enough (Anthea, Britt, Robot, etc.)

I thought about what originally brought me here. I came up with:
1. I didn’t know what major I wanted to pursue so I didn’t know what to look for
2. It was close to home
3. I was in love with a beautiful girl
4. My friends from home were all here.

How things are now:
1. I have picked majors I love after much dilemma and change
2. I don’t have a home anymore. I have a house in Philadelphia, and a wonderful loving family there, but no where that makes me feel like I have to stay near
3. That girl doesn’t talk to me much anymore
4. Jill and Catie left, and no matter where I go we will always stay close to each other

So I started looking. The first place that drew me in was Berkeley. It has the number two sociology program in the country, and the number three history program. Oh, and Sandy Cohen went there. Not to mention, it’s in California. However, it is beyond costly ($43,000 for on campus non California students) and requires a GPA between 3.75 and 3.9. It is way beyond my means. However, the number one sociology program in the country is at University of Wisconsin Madison. There the grade entry is more flexible, and they largely focus on extracurricular activities to make you stand out (which I have many of). Also it is only $33,000 a year for non residents on campus. As I looked more in to the school I liked it better and better. The three main things that are said to occur there are Academics, Political Activism, and Drinking. Essentially, my three favorite things in order, haha.

Still, it was essentially a pipe dream as far as I was concerned. Just something that seemed nice but unreasonable. Then I called my mom. I just wanted to talk to her about it, expecting her to try and convince me otherwise. She told me to go for it. She told me now was the only time that there was nothing to hold me down, and she didn’t want me to regret anything. She was just really great about it all.

Their priority deadline is February 1st. But tomorrow I’m going to call the office of admissions and talk to them about how realistic it would be for me to still be accepted if I send in all the necessary things by the end of the week. It’s only $40 to apply, and I’m going for it. If it won’t work at all this year, I think I’m going to visit over spring break to see how I like it, and apply for spring after doing one last semester at UMBC.

It’s funny how something can start as a half joke, and just grow.

-Willie

Change, love, growing up, and other cliches of the twenty-somethings.

For the first time in years there is no one I actively strongly like. It’s odd because  I think sometimes people define me with chasing after love, I know sometimes I even do myself. I’m the type of person who hears music and thinks of that person, or who watches a movie or show and places the people in my life as characters. Lately, I don’t. It’s definitely not a bad thing, in fact I’m actually kind of excited about it, but it’s still weird. I feel like I can just focus on the things that really make me happy, and that by being a better, happier person I’ll attract just the right girl for me.

Charlie and I were talking about it the other day, and we both feel like that, although freshman and sophomore year of college we went a little wild and crazy, that we are actually still the same people we were when we came here. Obviously we have grown, and our new experiences have shaped us to the degree we’ve let them, but fundamentally we are the same. I drink now, and am more open to lots of things, but still hold my sense of adventure. I am more sexually comfortable and open, but still not looking to fuck girls left and right for one night. I’m still searching for love, but have a better idea of what is and what isn’t love.

I guess, part of me is scared that if I’m not actively chasing love than it might get away from me. That I might never find it (Or rather, that it will never find me). That I might stop caring about it because I don’t remember what it’s like. But, when I accept that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to find, or run away from, or create, or destroy love that I have no power over it: I feel O.K.

Plus, now I have a reminder:

My new tattoo "Edward VIII"

I got this tattoo on Valentine’s day. I have been thinking about it for over a year, ever since my mom gave me a book of inspiring speeches and one of Edward VIII’s was in there. The story behind it is that he was the only British monarch to ever voluntarily abstain from the throne. He did this so that he could marry the woman he loved. She was a divorcee from Baltimore (Another reason I liked it, Baltimore pride) and since the country was very connected to the Church of England, which did not officially recognize this woman as available, as well as the fact that his prime minister threatened to leave if he married her he chose her over the throne. It’s a story that helps me remember what I fight for. It’s a story that will help me to never settle.

Any hopeful (or hopeless) romantic will tell you how hard it can feel to pursue something as crazy as love, how sometimes you feel like maybe you’re just an idiot chasing after nothing. It’s nice to know that someone before me succeeded, and that even when everyone considered him a fool for giving up a kingdom, he understood that power, money, and acclaim amounted to nothing without that person there to share it with you. They stayed married until his death, and the whole time he was still ridiculed for his decision. It’s recorded his mother said “You gave up that, for this?” years after he abstained and was long since married.

-Willie